Practicing my (k)nots

I am not good.
I am not well.
I am not hopeful.
I am not living.
I am not.



Near sighted

When I got glasses
I thought that the way I viewed relationships
would change.
But I’m still straining to see
if we have a future
and if you’ll ever call me back

I sang alone
To music on my laptop.
And I dreamed you were there
Playing guitar strings
from my hair







Everytime I introduce myself,
I stumble over my name.
Not because the name I chose is wrong
But because it does not encompass all of us.
I look at this mirror and the people in the reflection are not recognizable.
I don’t know who I am.
Or who I was.
And I stumble over my name every fucking time
Because I truly do not know it
-cdk ea



I live in a cloudy haze
where friends feel like strangers.
I am reaching for anything
to remind me I’m real
because I cannot feel
my own heart beating




We are built up from stories and cards
and just like a house of cards
we will come crashing down.
With disbelief you will see all of our faces
they will blur together
because every card in our deck
was the same

-cdk et al



As the clouds pass by the full moon set way up in the heavens tonight.
I hear the trains rolling through. and away from the station
A cat meowing
In the proximity of the night.
Can’t mistake the. Crawling of de hood.
People. Planes trains and Automobiles
Going round. Like a circus wheel.
Gotta love these moments.
Treasure each and every one.
Here one day. And the next. So long. By tomorrow morning all will be gone
Over and done.
As the last horn blows.
Making my way into the night.
The clouds have passed
The moon stands out.
Red sky. Sailors delight.
No warning for the awakening of an early morning.



I’m sitting here, in my bed. I feel like my skin is raw and stripped. I am eating graham crackers and nutella. and stripping my nose of blackheads.

Today I have stripped my body of more than that.

This morning, I was at the hospital [where I study, not for treatment] in the locker room. When an employee noticed my body hair and proceeded to harass me because of it.

We are taught that sticks and stones break bones, but words will never hurt.

But words do hurt.

Those words hit me so deeply, in front of all those women (in a locker room that I already felt out of place) that I went home I showered in the hottest water and shaved all my body hair off.

My armpits, my legs, my stomach. You name it, it is GONE.

I was proud of that hair. It was a part of ME, and who I want to be, not who society wants me to be.

And now, I am stripping my nose of blackheads and pretending to study because I’m stuck in the realm of discomfort and dysphoria.

This body is not mine.



Anxiety attack.

While your eyes were closed
And you rested
My heart beat out of my chest
And became a fish
Searching for water
In the closed tunnel of my throat
I couldn’t breathe.

And while you rested
I drove to school
And back
And I drove to school again
Because the toaster might still be plugged in
And if you put a fork in
It may shock you.

And while you calmly got ready
I left class
And drove to the doctor
And sat anxiously because I left everything behind
And the doctor asks,
“Have you experienced trauma? Please elaborate.”