what i miss.

from anon:

“I wrote this a while back. things with family are decent now, i wouldn’t say great but they’re decent. all the same, I wrote this in my angsty adulthood, and now I am putting it here to share with you:

I am a nomad. I have jumped from place to place,
settling only for months or years before picking up and starting over.
As a kid, we would drive.
And I remember looking out the mountains and thinking,
they go on forever.

And then I moved to New Jersey.
And the mountains stopped.
And I missed them.
I missed their ever presence in the background of our drives,
seeing the trees
and the fields and the colors.
Instead I had the ocean.
And I would look out on the shore,
and think.
The ocean goes on forever.
You just can’t quite see it like you can see the mountains.

And then I moved again.
But this time, with no geographic anomaly to associate with my home.
Because I didn’t have a home.
College was great,
because I got away from the craziness of 5 children and broken parents.
But college sucked,
because I was forced out of a home and a family that was never close but never quite far.
I missed home cooked meals.
And eating on the ground because there was not enough room at the table.
I missed sitting on couches covered in laundry.
And rooms cluttered with who knows what?!
I missed my bed with springs popping out covered,
only by duct tape to protect me from their points.
I missed my grandpa who was overly critical, but funny and respectable.
I missed my dad who had never before been embarrassed of me until he had a girlfriend.
And I did not miss my mother.
But I will tell you.
I missed my mom.

That wasn’t new.
I have missed my mom since she was ill.
I have missed my mom since she became not even my mother.
But Ellen.

I missed being comfortable to hug and not fear being hit.
I missed laying my head in the lap of someone who cares, and knowing love.
I missed laughing, and crying, and sheer emotion.
I missed her smell and her robe.
I missed comfort.
I missed so much, that I knew I would never get back.
I lost it so many years before.

Because she chose to never grow up, I grew up too fast.
And now I yearn for the time I never had to be carefree and live..
“And now, I have found somebody I trust. And I’m slowly pushing you away
I am afraid to lose you, like I lost my mom and my dad.
Like I have lost my sisters and brothers.
I am afraid of so much.
I don’t want you to give up on me, because I can’t do this alone.”

And I told her all of this twice.
“The thing about you,” she said to me, “is that you tell even the saddest stories
With a smile.” But that was last year.
And now, this year, she states.
“you need help. And I can’t do that for you.”
I want to trust that she is saying this because she cares,
but I secretly fear that she will abandon me,
and I will miss her too.

Anon”

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