Inspired by Sylvia Plath

Prompt: “I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” – Sylvia Plath

******
I’m sitting, but I can’t sit
Because I can’t breathe
And my body won’t stop moving.
My heart won’t stop beating.

Why won’t it stop beating?
I want it to stop.
To stop.
To stop.

It’s racing.
Faster, faster, faster.
I hear it pound.
My chest nearly explodes.

I have fear and nausea
And my heart doesn’t care
How the rest of my body feels.
How my mind feels.

My heart beats faster,
Racing nobody but itself.
I’m sweating,
My palms – they’re moist.

And I hear my heart brag:
I am,
I am,
I am.

And I hear my mind cry
I’m not,
I’m not,
I’m not.

I don’t know who is louder.
Who is more convincing?
Is it my boastful heart?
Or my tearful brain?

Both cause my body to keel,
And I writhe in pain,
My temperature rises.
I am shutting down.

I try to block out my brain,
And everyone inside,
What they have to say.

I want to take a deep breath,
And listen to the old brag of my heart.
I am, I am, I am.

But I can’t catch my breath,
Because my heart brags so viciously.
With each beat,
My body shutters.

My brain is right.
I’m not.
I’m not.
I’m not.

There are no deep breaths,
As I sit on the floor.
Legs tucked in,
Wrapped up in my arms.

My eyes shut,
I reach for the only thing to ground me
A chair nearby.
I try to connect to the rug beneath me.

I need water.
I need people.
I need anything,
But a brain and a heart.

Siblings fighting
I am,
I’m not.
Leaving my body to suffer
From their conflict.

As everything settles,
My brain and my heart disagree.
And for now that’s okay.

They will fight again,
And it won’t be long from now –
But they will agree to go their own ways
Until a SAFE resolution can be had.

I sit up from the floor,
I take a deep breath,
And I listen to the ensemble within my brain:
I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.

I breathe again.
I want to trust the old brag of my heart.
And hold on to its words:
I am, I am, I am.

-cdk

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