“No Children” by the Mountain Goats

“I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand.”


Abuse Rx

Little white beads fall from the sky,
I gather them up
collect them and save them.

They are dropped down from the heavens,
and sprinkled on the grass
as God splits open his Adderall capsule.

We think it’s snow,
but we are wrong –
because suddenly
a dollar bill is rolled up tightly
and we hear a gust of wind

As God inhales the snow lining the streets,
and suddenly the sun is shining.
And he can focus
and chaos ends.

She Let Me Go

We stood outside
Watching the raindrops fall.
She and I,
Together in the dark.
And they splashed so strongly,
And plummeted so deeply,
The puddles turned into vast lakes.
Larger and larger they grew.
And they drank me in
And I reached for her hand
As she stood,
Planted in the ground.
And there I drowned.
And she watched me gasp,
And even though we were never holding on.
She let me go.

If I Could Change Anything

If I could change anything,
I would change the way
The train rushes through my brain
As a myriad of pills infiltrate my system
And my lungs inhale noble gases –
That aren’t quite noble.

Instead the train will push past tracks,
Leaving my body and my brain free of harm
The pills will stay in the bottle, and my blood will run like a stream through my veins.
My lungs will be fresh.

If I could change anything,
I would change
The way my brain ticks.
Because it doesn’t tick in the moment.
Rather it ticks towards the future,
A bomb waiting to explode –
And when it does
My brain will release a mushroom cloud of abuse, and voices, and hate, and anger, and fear, and sadness, and loudness.

Because my brain is a nuclear weapon,
And if it doesn’t explode and hurt you.
It will hurt me.

If I could change anything,
I would change
The opportunity my brain has to hurt you
I would stand sacrifice.
For you are cherished,
I am not.
I know this,
And still I would never change it.


My Hollow Heart

My hollow heart aches
because there’s nothing to pump.
I long for passion and goals
and then attempt them
and feel defeat.

Sickness blankets my body
Causing me to sweat,
and my body shivers
despite its warmth.
There is no blood streaming,
for my heart is hollow.


What I Have Become

I look back on what I used to do:
In the morning my alarm would go off,
I would jump out of bed (already dressed)
in my running clothes,
So that I wouldn’t have to waste time.
I would run and breathe in the crisp morning air –
And just as I finished,
the sun would rise.
A quick shower,
and off I was to work,
where I would quickly nosh
and manage a building of college athletes
and gym-goers alike.
While working,
I would study my readings
in preparation for the quiz I would take shortly after leaving work.
I took the bus to a campus in a different town –
I would go to class and learn and participate.
Then, I would race to my second job (of course on a different campus)
I’d work on the computer in the office for a short while,
until my alarm would go off.
Then, I’d race to the bus so I could listen to my afternoon lecture.
I recorded the lecture on my phone, and immediately after leaving:
I would put in my headphones and listen to it on the bus back to my car.
Once home, I would cook family dinner for my friends
And we would study together.
Occasionally, we would indulge in something fun:
Lindsey Lohan’s documentary, apple picking, movies, shows…
Then we would study again, past the sun’s setting.
Diagrams on whiteboards, and notes, and notes.
And then I would go to bed and do it again.

today, my life is a different story.
there is no routine because I can not predict
what my abilities will be.
Today I woke up,
I did not exercise, I did not go to work.
I looked at my schoolwork, and then I looked the other way.
I did not shower. I did not eat.
I have not seen another physical person in days.
Moreso, I have not talked to more than 2 people in days.
It’ll be impressive if I can make it to the bathroom
to brush my teeth.
I will sit in bed.
I will think about doing things.
But just the thought will tire me out.

I’m supposed to be happy with the things I do now.
Live in this moment and appreciate what I am doing.
Because even waking up is a feat.
But it is so goddamn difficult to appreciate the little things,
like showers.
like homework.
like getting dressed.
When not that long ago,
I could conquer the world in a day.
Today, conquering the world is completely different.
And there’s nothing more frustrating
than seeing how great I once was,
and how pathetic I have become.


I suppose I should try to give myself these little rewards (click on image to see more):

new year. no change.

Most people live their lives,
day. by. day.
They wander to their jobs,
they work.
They go home,
And there they put their feet up.
Listen to the hum of the radio,
heat up dinner.
they breathe.

And here I am.
Living my life for those people,
They tell me:
“Do what makes you happy.”
And when I tell them,
dying will make me happy.
They say,
“Don’t do that.”

And so I live for these people.
I am not happy.
I am not well.
I merely float from one thing to the next.
This isn’t life.
I’ll never have the life I want.
So I’m stuck living life
because the life they want,
has me in it.

It makes no sense,
If I were to die,
I am selfish to go.
And yet, when they make me stay
They are doing good.
It is not selfish,
In fact they are selfless
for fighting for me.

But for what is there to fight?
There is no future,
there is no hope.
I am sinking in a pool of quicksand,
and even if I escape that –
I will crawl my way,
onto sap-covered grounds.
And be stuck.
And there is no progress for the stuck.

My mind is filled with anger,
and loneliness,
and annoyance.
I need a rally in there to protest
I need to turn the mind
and radically accept.

How the fuck will that happen,
Just like everything else,
it feels insurmountable.
And so I need to stop,
take a deep breath,
and look at my options.
And GO.