new year. no change.

Most people live their lives,
day. by. day.
They wander to their jobs,
they work.
They go home,
And there they put their feet up.
Listen to the hum of the radio,
heat up dinner.
they breathe.

And here I am.
Living my life for those people,
They tell me:
“Do what makes you happy.”
And when I tell them,
dying will make me happy.
They say,
“Don’t do that.”

And so I live for these people.
I am not happy.
I am not well.
I merely float from one thing to the next.
This isn’t life.
I’ll never have the life I want.
So I’m stuck living life
because the life they want,
has me in it.

It makes no sense,
If I were to die,
I am selfish to go.
And yet, when they make me stay
They are doing good.
It is not selfish,
In fact they are selfless
for fighting for me.

But for what is there to fight?
There is no future,
there is no hope.
I am sinking in a pool of quicksand,
and even if I escape that –
I will crawl my way,
onto sap-covered grounds.
And be stuck.
And there is no progress for the stuck.

My mind is filled with anger,
and loneliness,
and annoyance.
I need a rally in there to protest
I need to turn the mind
and radically accept.

How the fuck will that happen,
Just like everything else,
it feels insurmountable.
And so I need to stop,
take a deep breath,
and look at my options.
And GO.

-cdk

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