What I Have Become

I look back on what I used to do:
In the morning my alarm would go off,
I would jump out of bed (already dressed)
in my running clothes,
So that I wouldn’t have to waste time.
I would run and breathe in the crisp morning air –
And just as I finished,
the sun would rise.
A quick shower,
and off I was to work,
where I would quickly nosh
and manage a building of college athletes
and gym-goers alike.
While working,
I would study my readings
in preparation for the quiz I would take shortly after leaving work.
I took the bus to a campus in a different town –
I would go to class and learn and participate.
Then, I would race to my second job (of course on a different campus)
I’d work on the computer in the office for a short while,
until my alarm would go off.
Then, I’d race to the bus so I could listen to my afternoon lecture.
I recorded the lecture on my phone, and immediately after leaving:
I would put in my headphones and listen to it on the bus back to my car.
Once home, I would cook family dinner for my friends
And we would study together.
Occasionally, we would indulge in something fun:
Lindsey Lohan’s documentary, apple picking, movies, shows…
Then we would study again, past the sun’s setting.
Diagrams on whiteboards, and notes, and notes.
And then I would go to bed and do it again.

today, my life is a different story.
there is no routine because I can not predict
what my abilities will be.
Today I woke up,
I did not exercise, I did not go to work.
I looked at my schoolwork, and then I looked the other way.
I did not shower. I did not eat.
I have not seen another physical person in days.
Moreso, I have not talked to more than 2 people in days.
It’ll be impressive if I can make it to the bathroom
to brush my teeth.
I will sit in bed.
I will think about doing things.
But just the thought will tire me out.

I’m supposed to be happy with the things I do now.
Live in this moment and appreciate what I am doing.
Because even waking up is a feat.
But it is so goddamn difficult to appreciate the little things,
like showers.
like homework.
like getting dressed.
When not that long ago,
I could conquer the world in a day.
Today, conquering the world is completely different.
And there’s nothing more frustrating
than seeing how great I once was,
and how pathetic I have become.

-cdk

I suppose I should try to give myself these little rewards (click on image to see more):
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