If I Could Change Anything

If I could change anything,
I would change the way
The train rushes through my brain
As a myriad of pills infiltrate my system
And my lungs inhale noble gases –
That aren’t quite noble.

Instead the train will push past tracks,
Leaving my body and my brain free of harm
The pills will stay in the bottle, and my blood will run like a stream through my veins.
My lungs will be fresh.

If I could change anything,
I would change
The way my brain ticks.
Because it doesn’t tick in the moment.
Rather it ticks towards the future,
A bomb waiting to explode –
And when it does
My brain will release a mushroom cloud of abuse, and voices, and hate, and anger, and fear, and sadness, and loudness.

Because my brain is a nuclear weapon,
And if it doesn’t explode and hurt you.
It will hurt me.

If I could change anything,
I would change
The opportunity my brain has to hurt you
I would stand sacrifice.
For you are cherished,
I am not.
I know this,
And still I would never change it.

-cdk

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