I looked in the mirror
at my 7 year-old self.
My long hair,
tied in a bow.
It was this year,
that I got my first hair cut.
And it was liberating.
And as I let it grow out,
it was shaggy.
I would look in the mirror,
and flex my arms
and listen to my voice, and think
I could be a boy.
I shopped with my mother and brother when I was 12,
At Marshalls and TJ Maxx,
and my brother scolded me
for wanting to shop in the men’s section.
But I liked the button ups,
the tee shirts,
the basketball jerseys better.
I tried my hardest to wear men’s clothes,
but I didn’t want to be a boy, I realized
I just want to be comfortable.
I don’t want to be a girl either.
At 16, I cut all of my hair off –
the traditional pixie.
And I loved it –
it felt so right.
At the time,
I didn’t know there was so much in between.
Now, years later.
All I want is to find comfort in my body.
A body that so many other people have found comfort in,
but not me.
And I want to feel my body.
And be happy.
I want to feel safe in my body.
and what it looks like should not determine my gender.
And my gender should not determine what my body looks like.
Lately, I have found myself wanting to rip my body apart
Because I can’t feel okay.
I want to feel okay