When dysphoria stops you from living life

I was invited to a formal for my old softball team.
And the expected dress is clearly: Formal.

I haven’t gotten surgery yet,
I’ve made consultations but I’m not there yet.
And I have found that I’m in that awkward stage
where I don’t have the “formal” clothes that would make me comfortable.

I kinda want to go to the formal and see old pals.
I kinda don’t because I’ve changed so much…
I’m mostly afraid though because I don’t want to wear a dress.
I want to wear a suit.
I want a nice button down and a tie.
I want nice shoes and pants.
Maybe a vest.

Not that I don’t like wearing dresses sometimes I do.
I just don’t want to in this moment.
Genderqueer problems. I don’t know who or what I am,
I don’t fit in the black and white definition of gender.
I can’t wait until I can redo my wardrobe,
and get rid of the “women’s professional clothes.”
Replace them with clothing that makes me comfortable
and shows who I am.

I want to go to the formal,
and yet I’m afraid because I don’t want to be fake.
and I don’t have the clothes to feel real
And what if they don’t accept it?

And how do I explain that,
I still like dresses or skirts or whatever?
i just feel less comfortable, less myself.
My stomach has been dropping since I was invited.

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