This year, I am beyond grateful to have another year with my fantastic grandma. She is my hero, my everything – i celebrate her everyday, and on Mother’s day, I celebrate her a little harder.
At the same time, Mother’s Day is a weird time for me. My mother is not dead, she’s not present either. It’s hard mourning someone who is very much alive. Over the past decade, almost, my mother has played either no role in my life or very minimal – and it’s sad. Yup, I said it. It makes me angry and sad and all kinds of things because it sucks. And it’s not fair. I don’t care if that’s immature or what. This isn’t a matter of radical acceptance because I know and accept the situation. I just hate it. A lot. And at the same time… I don’t want it to change. My mother can have her own mother’s day, but I won’t be a part of it. Just like she wasn’t a part of so many important things in my life. I became so desperate to celebrate Mother’s day, I used to post a happy Mother’s day to my father for playing both roles. It only made him mad, he didn’t want people to know or whatever…
Growing up with divorced parents, like a lot of kids, it was tough. Considering both of them are narcissists and despite “trying to make things work,” hated each other, and continue to do so – celebrating holidays is tough. As an angsty teen, I discovered the band, Cake. The song I will post below became a sort of mantra about when a certain someone would call, but now it’s kind of how I feel about a lot of people in and out of my family.
At the end of the day, Mother’s day is a hallmark holiday. The idea is nice, but for people who have lost parents, have been hurt by them, don’t get along with them or whatever it may be – these are tough days.
At the end of the day, nobody can be in place of my biological mother. Yet, I am grateful for the pseudomoms in my life. I have my friends’ moms.
I have my Grandma.
And she is my sunshine.