the world is my trigger – blog post

It’s been about 4 days since I got surgery.
It has been the longest 4 days of my life. I don’t remember it being like this last time. But I remember how torn I was emotionally..

Now, the lack of control. The inability to do the most basic tasks are so fucking hard and I’m so frustrated. Everything agitates me, everything triggers me.

Asking for help is hard, but so is receiving help.
Having little attention is hard, but having some attention is too.
Going to the bathroom is impossible, but God forbid somebody tries to come in with me.

I am drowning. All parts of me are suffocating.

I look at progress and notes of other people and everybody is moving and living and yet I haven’t left bed in days. I haven’t been outside since after the surgery. I just want to go outside.

I just want to be okay. I want to walk around. I want to feel my muscles tense and ease, rather than pain pulse through them as they whither and die from lack of use.

I feel like I am gasping for air. But I am getting nowhere.

I don’t know why I bother asking for help, It has always served me wrong.
I should have learned by now.

Do not ask.

Spin spin spin spin spin spin spin spin. my mind goes around.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for the people who have helped me.
I am.
I just want to be okay now.

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