don’t speak

Not long after my first verbalization of wanting to kill myself
my dad sat me down and talked to me
not to encourage me, not to ensure that things would get better.

Instead he told me how important it was that I paid attention to what I said,
How the things I say have consequences for me… for him.
This lesson was told to me so that I wouldn’t speak of it.

And now I know maybe he was right.
Maybe I just shouldn’t say anything anymore.
And then when I need to go, I will.



Your Heartbeat

Because I hear your heartbeat
when we hug –
and it reminds me
that I am alive
because you are alive.
And I don’t want words,
I just want to hear that.


I went through my twitter. All 2500 tweets or so.. I picked out some of my favorites. It really highlighted my mental decline of 2014 on. And some good stuff too, I guess. And of course some wit.
Here’s a few, a glimpse of my life from 2012 to 2015:

1/27/2012 Got asked to interview for Princeton #ADayToRememeber
4/4/2012 Rutgers Class of ’16 #COLLEGE
6/15/2012 i’ve waited my whole life for this… 2 years ago, i didn’t think i’d be here, but i did it. #graduation
9/2/2012 Sometimes I wish I was cooler, then I remember, I’m a freezer
10/6/2012 I just did the Gangham Style dance in the middle of target with my Grandma, and people applauded.
10/21/2012 Wow, they’re doing #HospitalPizza at the dining hall. I don’t know if I want it #awkwardmemories
10/30/2012 Prayers to all of my friends, stay safe there in our little no-name beach towns. just cause we’re small doesn’t mean we’re not strong
11/6/2012 #virginvoter
3/13/2013 Euonia; beautiful thinking: a well mind
4/5/2013 There’s no better way to destress than softball. I’m so grateful for the family of girls I call my team, we are gonna rock this wkend #RUCS
4/9/2013 It’s awesome that 2 wonderful boys were introduced into my life this last week, (INSERT NAME) with (INSERT NAME) who I can’t wait to meet and (INSERT NAME OF NEPHEW)
4/20/2013 That Awk moment when your mother doesn’t know your age #awkward
4/26/2013 If we lived everyday like it was our birthdays, all of the world’s problems would end… except alcoholism. but the others would end! #truth
5/9/2013 If thinking burned calories, I would be in such good shape right now #finals
5/19/2013 I actually love running more than I hate it, I wish it wasn’t so psychological. I think to run there needs to be mental health and physical
5/19/2013 But I do wish I could live like grandma, and just eat ice cream all day everyday and still look beautiful. She’s a saint #perfect
5/24/2013 Here it is, the exciting news: meet my new baby – his name is Zeppelin (pic of my “new” car :))
5/27/2013 That awesome moment when I realize that I’m really happy with who I am and the friends that I have #happy #lovelife #breakthrough
7/3/2013 Surgery on my knee this Friday #nervous
7/23/2013 I got my crutch signed by jimmy Fallon!!!!!
10/1/2013 My immune system shut down harder than the government
3/11/2014 All I need is family, friends, sunshine, and swings #peaceandlove
4/1/2014 It smells like Spring
5/17/2014 I. Love. Iowa.
6/28/2014 #nursingstudent
9/14/2014 what is happening in my mind right now!?!?
10/8/2014 Bad news is a chance to practice positive thinking.
12/8/2014 impulse is my middle name.
12/11/2014 I am fully committed to dropping out of life #NoOtherChoice
12/16/2014 My life is one big crisis intervention
12/21/2014 (a series tweet:
My mind and body are so separated – what really is today?
I want to find peace in the way things were and are. I want love in spite of fear. I want to be better.
But is better attainable… Worth fighting for? I fear what might happen while I fight for it. While I fight myself for it..
The hardest battle to fight is against yourself. My unreasonable mind is so loud and so strong. It’s a trap and there is no escape. It kills
My creative bursts scare me – I don’t know what’s me and whats me being sick. And if creativity is from sick do I want to give that up?
I just don’t wanna lose the highs by giving up the lows. But being normal means flatlining
does it matter how we cope as long as we do?
12/28/2014 Some of us were meant for a shorter time – so we have to sleep less and do more while we can. Who knows how much longer we have?!
1/18/2015 Grandma rose just discovered the toaster strudel – she’s a happy camper
1/25/2015 Sleep is for the weak! Tonight while the world rests I will learn to fly
1/27/2015 And even the birds are happy, singing of snow
2/7/2015 well… i’m gonna need a new backpack, considering I vomited on mine last night.
2/8/2015 who decided that moods are a sickness?
2/15/2015 I think some people die before they’re dead.
2/19/2015 I wonder what my pharmacist thinks of me
2/22/2015 Why is it a crime to want to die?
it’s exhausting, fighting to stay present
4/25/2015 Cheers to the last day of wreckless youth come join me tonight at the bars #21
7/23/2015 When is it considered late enough to drink?
7/24/2015 Haldol yo
7/31/2015 “An open mic without a mic is just a group therapy session.”
10/13/2015 october is almost over which means #nohospitalnovember is almost here.

Terminal Platform

i used to stand on the terminal platform of terminal illness
and wish and pray that death would envelop me and put a stamp on me
and away i would be sent from life.

I wrote in my diary how I wished physical sick would take me away
from a world that won’t let me leave because of mental sick.

why can’t i just die
in a socially acceptable way?
Because if I die at my own hand
rather than the terminal platform
it is an insult.

I vowed I would never tell my secret
how I dreamed of the terminal platform
and I let it slip
and the train left
and I am standing here
dreaming of the end
and how to make it sooner