We live in a society where being different is offensive, and people expect apologies.
I started binding 2 years ago.
I changed my name last year.
I started packing about 6 months ago.
Around my peers at school, I am comfortable being who I am. And mostly, people accept me and appreciate me too. Since coming out, I have gained more friends and felt happier than ever before.
However, I still find myself thinking, for those who knew me pre-transition process; that it is offensive and inconvenient to ask them to call me by my name.
I find myself scared to talk to my family about my true needs because their disapproval is strong and hurtful.
When I first mentioned top surgery to my parent, he called me the next day to say that I could not pursue it under his insurance and that he did not support it.
I recently have started looking into HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and plan to pursue it through planned parenthood. I want to start Low-Dose Testosterone.
I know that this will decrease my dysphoria.
I will feel at home in my body, and once I get top surgery – I know I will be comfortable.
Because I am not quite male nor am I female. I am genderqueer, however I am most comfortable presenting “male” to society.
I talked with a family member about this possibility.
She said to me: I don’t understand how taking hormones can make you feel better.
To which I replied: It will eliminate the dysphoria that I feel.
She asked me: How would you pay for it?
Well, I said, Testosterone is not so expensive and insurance actually covers a lot of the costs.
She was audibly annoyed at this point, “I can’t believe that is covered and things I need are not.”
And I said, I get that and both yours and my needs are medically necessary.
At this point in the conversation, she stated, “I am not privy to my children hearing this conversation. Can I talk to you this weekend.”
Originally I said yes, but upon further thought I decided no.
No because my identity is not something she wants her children to know.
My name is not something she wants to tell her children.
It is the most hurtful thing knowing that my family is not accepting of who I am.
Nobody should ever have to apologize for their comfort and existence.
I feel ashamed for who I am around them.
Today, knowing I will be seeing family this weekend, I shaved off all of my body hair. It was the worst feeling ever. Knowing that I have to censor my body, my life to make other people comfortable.